Bitter Joy
So close I can taste him
remember how his skin felt
underneath
But, I can’t quite smell him
His memory lives in the very walls
images flitting beneath my eyelids
and sorrow
sorrow
so deep
at the mess I’ve made
And the hopeless romantic
even she knows
this is no love story
we will never rejoin in another life
or in old age
because he has found
true
love
and I’ve paid for my folly
or sin
or whatever you will
I’ve paid
in the creation
of my own bitterness
I’ve paid
Oh, yes
For staying in the comfort of sure-ness
and it is sure
that I will die in my shriveled sour self
in my
complacency
I have paid dearly
to not live, fully loved
Life is funny
how we shove ourselves
in the places of pain
How once we let the dam burst
we feel all the things
inhabit all our senses
no matter how senseless they really are
Why? You ask why I ran away?
Isn’t it obvious?
Unlike me, I was truly afraid
Because with him,
there was no back up plan
I couldn’t spend my life
with someone I loved more than me
I couldn’t forever be second
And that was him
The first face I loved more than my own
other than my children
He worshipped me
that’s the funny part
I didn’t want to ruin it
with how much I worshipped him
And I did, as far as I can recall
And it was nerve wracking
that I could leave it all
for his smile
The relief, he was not here
was full, immediate, real
I could mourn and grow
and discover me, without the worry
of ruining it with the reality
of bumping into who he is today.
God bless my vanity